Likability and Leadership

Do you like your manager? Do you like to be liked? It can be easier when you do like your manager, but liking them is actually less important than respecting them.
 
Sometimes the best managers are ones who we don’t necessarily like, certainly wouldn’t have Sunday brunch with, but they’re really competent and good at their job. Staying open to having a great working relationship with your manager, even when they’re not someone you like is important, it can take a little more effort to stay open and engaged especially if your styles are different, but it is worth it.  It’s also good to remember as you lead others, that being liked can be a trap.
 
Sadly there’s a gender bias here worth noting – for men to be seen as good leaders they need to be perceived as competent, women need to be perceived as competent and warm.
 
There’s a lot of research on this and it’s anchored in old fashioned gender norms and expectations. Women as nurturing and emotion-led, men as ‘hunter gatherers’, a binary and polarising view, and no gender wins when we accept these old-fashioned ideas.  
 
Jessica Bennett in her NY Times article “But Is She Likeable Enough?” writes “The idea that a “likability trap” exists for women has been well documented. It’s a phrase used to describe how women who behave in authoritative ways risk being deemed difficult, brusque or bossy, while those who are too nice risk having their competence questioned.”
 
Jessica then shares this harsh and true quote from Joan C. Williams, professor of law, on the “likability trap” that continues to plague powerful women:
 
“Women who behave in authoritative ways risk being disliked as insufferable prima donnas, pedantic schoolmarms or witchy women.”.
 
Yes it’s a risk, but should you water down your drive? Hold your tongue when you want to challenge the assumptions made about a piece of work, or always be the one to bake cakes on birthdays? No. Do those things if they feel authentic to you. Not because it’s ‘expected’ or to be ‘liked’. Alicia Menendez, podcaster of The Likability Trap reminds us that “despite even the very best efforts, no one has a say in how much other people like them.”
 
Best we put our energy into other things then huh?
 
Perhaps that energy can be channelled to changing the definition of leadership. Jessica’s NY Times article says :

​“As the economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett once told me, it’s not women who are the problem. It’s that we still define leadership in male terms.”

References

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/27/us/likability-penalty.html
https://www.npr.org/2021/06/15/1006695654/women-gender-bias-work-likeability-career-advice